how our behavior is changing and how our most important relationships
are threatened. You're driving down a city street and find yourself
stuck behind someone going 15 mph below the speed limit.
What's your first thought? That guy needs to get off his cell phone!
You're sitting in the stands at a high school football game. You
notice that many of the students are not only ignoring
the game but they're also ignoring the friends seated beside
them—instead they are busy texting other friends.
You walk through an airport concourse and notice a man pacing back and
forth, waving his hands while he talks on his cell phone in a voice
that bounces off the walls 30 yards away. You think, That's why I hope
they never allow people to make calls with their cell phones on a
flight. Sound familiar? In the last 15 years the cell phone has
conquered the world. I could make a list of 50 ways these phones have
improved our lives. But if you're like me and can remember what life
was like before we all got cell phones, you may wonder if all the
changes are really for the good. Remember those days when you could go
to a movie—or to church—and not worry about being distracted by
ringing phones or by the white glow of someone texting a friend?
Remember when meetings at work weren't interrupted by phone calls that
people just had to accept? And here's one more scene we all see
regularly: You walk into a restaurant and you notice a couple seated
near you. And you notice that they really are not enjoying this
opportunity to be together, because one is patiently waiting for the
other to stop talking or texting on the cell phone. And you think, How
sad that they aren't talking to each other.
Plugged in 24/7
Adjusting to some form of new technology is nothing new. Electricity,
automobiles, telephones, radio, television, computers, and many other
new inventions sparked significant changes in our culture and in the
way we related to our spouses, our children, and our friends. We've
seen
the emergence of the internet and of mobile phones, and then the
convergence of the two. We can now be plugged in wherever we are,
24/7. The technology is evolving so quickly that most of us are barely
aware of how our behavior is changing and our relationships are
affected. As one reader wrote after I addressed this issue a couple
months ago in a series of Marriage Memo e-mails, "These mobile devices
can take over your life." Another said, "I understand technology has
its advantages, but we are being ruled by the technology rather than
using it as a tool."
A number of readers were dismayed at how addiction to the new
technology was affecting their marriages. For example: "I'm usually
the spouse waiting for my husband to get off the cell, iPad,
instagram, text messaging, Facebook, or some other game that has him
hooked. I'm tired of having my conversations through text messages and
would enjoy an old-fashioned conversation face-to-face. But the truth
is we barely have anything to say to each other anymore." "My husband
and I have struggled for the last 25 years of our marriage with
conversation, but what has happened now is Facebook has taken over. If
dinner isn't ready when he comes home, he's on Facebook until it is.
Every morning he gets up and hits Facebook to see who's been on. Sadly
he does not see it as an issue. And I fear I am not alone in this." "I
am one of those people at the restaurant with her spouse, waiting and
feeling lonely. My husband is always looking at his phone, checking
his email or his bank account, his Facebook, and his texts. I just sit
waiting and thinking to myself, Why am I not good enough for him? Why
does he have to be entertained by everyone and everything else? It
deeply depresses me and he just cannot understand my point of view."
Replacing conversation with connectivity Some people gravitate toward
texting or Twitter for communication just as they did years ago toward
e-mail— it's simpler, faster, easier. What they don't realize is how
much is lost in those mediums—emotion, facial expressions, tone of
voice, and much more. It can be dangerous to replace conversation with
connectivity.
One woman wrote about problems in her marriage: "…many arguments
occur because of something that was texted and was misunderstood by
one of us. Today my husband texted me after refusing to have a
conversation last night. I thought the tone of his text was ugly and
didn't respond. Later he texted me asking why I didn't respond
and I said I would rather talk than text because texting can be
misunderstood. His response was 'I enjoy texting. Speak message.
Little emotion. Can get right to point.'" What a classic quote, and so
typically male: "I enjoy texting. Speak message. Little emotion. Can
get right to point." The problem is that real relationships require
real
conversation and real emotion. "When we text, e-mail, Facebook, and
the like, we lose a vital piece of relationships: the emotional
connection,"
wrote another reader. "Without the sound of our voices, the body
language, the touch, we as humans lose what God intended to be a vital
part of how we are supposed to relate and a vital part of how we are
supposed to receive love and be in communion with others." Household
rules It's not that the technology is inherently bad. Far from it—it
helps us connect with people in many positive ways.
The problem is that so many people are unable to control it. It's as
if they are married to their cell phones.
Some great tips from readers about the
boundaries they were implementing to promote face-to-face
communication in their marriages. Here are some highlights:
1. No devices at the dinner table. This was mentioned many times in
e-mails. Dinner time should be reserved for face-to-face conversation.
There will be plenty of time after dinner to reply to phone calls and
text messages. One family calls this rule "TTT—Timeout from Technology
at
the Table."
2. No phones at the restaurant. "My husband and I have made a deal for
date nights," wrote one wife. "He is way too plugged in to TV and his
phone. Therefore when we are out at restaurants we are not allowed to
use our phones unless it is a call from the babysitter. Also we do not
go to
restaurants that have televisions because he will be too distracted,
and I will be mad that he is not totally engaged. We all need to find
time daily to disconnect from all the information and reconnect with
our families with good 'old-
fashioned' conversation."
Another reader said she and her husband leave their cell phones in the
car before they enter a restaurant.
3. No texting or talking about really important personal issues over
the phone. This should be done face-to-face, unless it is something
that can't wait. One reader said, "There is a huge gap in a
'conversation' when texting because you don't really fully understand
what that person
really means unless you hear the tone in their voice or see their face
and a lot can be taken the wrong way, creating bad feelings, etc."
Love the one you're with All these boundaries establish a strong
family value: When you're with someone, that relationship is your
priority. Retraining will take some time if you, your spouse, or your
children have become addicted to your devices. But keeping them in
their rightful place will, in the words of one reader, "open up the
door to more intimate communication with your spouse and family."
I also liked the comment from a reader who pointed out, "Anything that
becomes a necessity has the ability to become an idol." In other
words, you can become so attached to your smartphone that it basically
becomes the most important thing in your life: "If you can't live
without
a gadget … throw it away. If a gadget is absorbing most of your
leisure time … throw it away!
"Life is too short. Let's not invest what little time we have in
meaningless endeavors."
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