doesn't even tell us how to "date" or "court," whichever we call the
process we use to get to know a potential mate. In the Bible times,
these did not exist in the same form that we see them today. Back
then, families helped young women and men meet and become engaged and
often chose their children's mates for them. Today, singles are more
on their own to find a mate. Some singles don't bother to look for a
spouse, believing God will bring the person to them, while others are
forever on a feverish search for one, fearing they may miss him or
her. There should be a balance, as we remember that God is perfectly
loving (Ephesians 3:18; 1 John 3:16-18) and perfectly sovereign over
every situation, desire and need (Psalm 109:21; Romans 8:38-39).
Unless we are rebelling against God, we can be sure that He is not
punishing us through our singleness and that He is very likely
bringing the right man or woman our way…eventually! God uses our
choices, other people, and sometimes even modern technology, to bring
about marriages.
Before a Christian single considers any of the "newer" methods of
finding a spouse like using a Christian dating service, it's helpful
to consider whether we may be engaging in any self-defeating behavior.
Is it possible we are being too picky, looking for the fairy-tale
prince or princess, and by doing so, limiting the possibilities of
what God may know is best for us and which we have not yet considered?
Are we not being picky enough, forgetting that God calls all
Christians to marry only other Christians (2 Corinthians 6:14), or are
we considering someone who is stuck in a serious, life-altering sin
that could endanger the marriage? A Christian man should take the lead
in relationships and making sure their relationship glorifies Christ
in all things. A Christian woman should let the man take the
initiative as the leader God made him to be. And, finally, as
believers, we should be able to stand on our own two feet, relying on
the Lord to fulfill us rather than feeling a need to be married in
order to be whole. Once we have these common struggles sorted out, we
can begin to pursue a woman, or be pursued by a man, with an eye
towards marriage.
As in all decisions, we should ask God to direct us clearly. It can be
difficult to meet single Christian men and women, especially if most
of our friends have already married. We can put ourselves in a
position to meet other Christians by looking for a church singles
group. We may want to volunteer for a cause we care about or join
other groups, being sure that we are doing it because we enjoy it, not
just because we want to meet as many potential mates as possible. Some
people prefer to meet their spouse through friends, family, or in a
chance meeting out in the world, and many do just that. But others
believe they are limited in the people they meet because of their
profession, the size of their city, or the nature of their activities.
For these people, it may be wise to consider other methods. Some of
the modern methods of finding a mate include internet or online
dating, professional matchmaking services, and speed dating. Each has
its pros and cons, and none is right for everyone. Before beginning
any of these methods, we should begin in prayer, asking God whether it
is the step He wants us to take.
Internet dating is currently the most popular alternative way to meet
singles. There are Christian dating services, including
www.togetherchristian.com. There are secular dating websites that
allow you to limit your search to Christians, and they (like the
Christian sites) often let you specify the denomination you are
looking for as well. Some of the most popular websites are
www.match.com, www.cupid.com, and www.eharmony.com. (Please note that
Gabriel Peter Ministries does not personally endorse any particular
secular or Christian dating service or site.) eHarmony is unique in
that it uses an extensive personality test to provide customized
matches to each person, though each user must only choose from the
matches given to him or her—they cannot communicate with anyone they
choose. Most of the other sites (Christian and secular) provide
various ways that men and women can quickly assess compatibility
before beginning any form of communication. Most sites charge a
monthly or yearly fee, ranging from a few dollars to twenty or thirty
dollars a month. eHarmony requires that members proceed through
several "steps" of communication before they are allowed to e-mail and
exchange phone numbers. The other sites offer quicker communication.
While it is easy to meet new people on all of the websites, anyone
trying out internet dating must be very careful.
One major downfall of internet dating is that you can never be sure
who is being honest and who is pretending to be someone they're not.
The result of a deception can be humorous or even deadly. It's a good
idea to never answer any communication from someone from another
country, unless you are able to conduct an extensive background check
on him or her. Some of these people are trying to con the men and
women they meet. Always begin by meeting the person in a public
place—never allow them to drive you anywhere or take you somewhere
where you will be alone. It is wise to plan a double date, so that a
close friend can offer his or her opinion on this (let's face it)
complete stranger. Listen to your instincts and get away fast if you
ever feel you are in any danger. Warnings aside, though, many happy
Christian marriages have come out of internet dating.
Professional matchmaking services are usually safer than internet
dating, but are less popular, and don't always have a very large pool
of people to choose from. They can also be more expensive, usually
involve more extensive applications, and require some type of
background check. Speed dating is where singles circulate
systematically through a room of tables in order to assess a potential
date in only a few minutes per rotation. At the end of the night, they
turn in a card that indicates whom they would be willing to be matched
up with. The couples who have mutual interest will receive each
other's contact information. Professional matchmaking and speed dating
can be just as dangerous as internet dating, but, if done safely and
wisely, can potentially lead to a successful Christian marriage.
In all of the choices we make, though, it's crucial to remember that
it is God—not us—who brings us together with a spouse. As simple as it
may sound, we shouldn't have to work to find our spouse; we should be
living out our lives with any desires for a spouse on the back burner
and our desires for knowing God at the forefront of our hearts. Men do
need to take the initiative in a relationship and pursue the woman,
but God is still the one who brings the couple together. Seek God and
He will fulfill (or change) your desires (Psalm 103:5; Romans 12:2) in
His perfect way and His perfect time (Romans 5:6; Romans 8:26-27).
Would we want it any other way? Look at the story of Isaac and Rebekah
and how God brought them together (Genesis 24). It was sovereignly
planned and controlled by God. The marriage of two people is nothing
short of a miracle, but, then again, the same could be said of our
birth and of even our living to see the next day. God holds our every
moment in His hands (Psalm 31:15), and He will not let us slip through
the cracks of His gentle fingers. He cradles our lives and our hearts
in His hands, and He will not forget His children.
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