so challenging as to be nearly impossible. Take a typical mom, dad and
daughter, and drop them in a shopping mall with $500 to buy the
daughter a new wardrobe. The catch: everything they buy has to pass
the modesty test.
Sound simple? Let me tell you, it's not. When my daughter were small,
the fashion world had little impact on her clothing choices. Dad and
Mom made most of the decisions for them. For many years, in fact, I
made their dresses for special occasions myself, and these were always
received with great excitement. As they grew and their worlds
enlarged, so did their perceptions of fashion. Our shopping
expeditions became exercises in endurance, rather than enjoyable
outings.
As just one sample of what we're up against as parents, one very
popular store markets thong underwear emblazoned with sexy slogans
like "eye candy" and "wink, wink" to girls aged 7-14. Asked to defend
their product, the company spokesperson said, "It's cute and sweet and
fun."
Granted, this is an extreme example. But even when shopping for basic
items like jeans and t-shirts, it is becoming increasingly difficult
to find attractive, fashionable clothes for young girls that don't
show off a whole lot of skin. Tube tops, crop tops, clingy fabrics,
low-cut dresses and low-rise jeans are all the rage. CNN and Fox News
Channel commentator Betsy Hart complained about one national retailer,
where she found everything for her young daughter to be too tight, too
low-cut and too short. In her words, "dressing my not-yet-six-year-old
like she is Britney Spears is at best silly, and at worst
unnecessarily sexualizing our littlest girls."
In this cultural climate, what is a parent to do? Drawing from my
experiences as a Father of a daughter, I'd like to share a few
suggestions that might be an encouragement in this critical parenting
issue.
1. Embrace modesty
Given the current state of things, does modesty even matter anymore?
Our culture tells us no, and we've been so affected by the world
around us that sometimes we don't even stop to think about what our
appearance says about us, or how it measures up to God's standards.
God calls us to a life of purity, and modesty is a natural outworking
of a pure heart. A speaker I heard recently told of young men in her
church youth group who were complaining about what the girls in the
group were wearing. These boys were sincerely coming to youth group to
worship God, and they really felt that they were being distracted from
that and even led astray by the immodest dress of the girls in the
group. They didn't know where to look, and it was very hard on them as
they tried to obey God and keep from lusting.
Keep in mind that these were boys who were actively fighting against
temptation. Imagine the impact of improper dress on men who have
serious lust problems, or who don't even recognize it as a problem. I
think that the proliferation of pornography and blatant sexual
messages in our society today is linked to widespread immodest dress.
What once would have been considered unacceptable and risqué is now
not just accepted, but commonplace. No wonder some men have great
difficulty in this area! It is a battle for them to protect themselves
from the onslaught of our sex-crazed society. Yes, the men have a
responsibility to control themselves, but women also have a
responsibility not to cause them to stumble.
The way in which a girl dresses will also impact the kind of guy she
attracts, which will in turn impact their behaviours and attitudes
toward sex. As one young lady shared, "I know that the kind of things
that I wear draw a certain kind of guy. And ultimately the guy that I
want to have as a husband is a guy that's committed to purity. He
doesn't want to lust…If I'm dressing kind of seductively in what I'm
wearing, I'm going to be attracting a guy that is okay with that, and
it almost says that I'm impure, but that he's okay with that; whereas,
if I'm dressing modestly, it's going to attract a guy that respects
that and appreciates that."
Ultimately, the most important reason for embracing modesty is that
God's Word tells us to do so. If the Holy Spirit lives in us, our
bodies are God's temple, and revealing clothing is not honouring to
Him. It is also not honouring to our spouse (or future spouse). Our
bodies are meant for our spouse alone to enjoy, so a girl who displays
her body publicly is actually defrauding her future mate.
2. Define family modesty standards
What is modesty? Modesty means different things to different people
and, like other words, its meaning has undergone a metamorphosis over
time. The dictionary tells us that to be modest is to avoid
impropriety or indecency, to be reserved in sexual matters, and to be
unpretentious in appearance. Indecency is a strong word, meaning
'highly unsuitable,' but unfortunately our society has redefined this
word as well. What was once considered unsuitable dress in public is
now commonplace. Perhaps it is better to focus on the idea of being
unpretentious in appearance. A modest person does not call attention
to themselves by the way they dress.
In order to teach our daughters to value modesty in a world where
modesty is seen as prudish, we must make the effort to establish
clearly what we consider to be modest. This is made more difficult
because society's standards of modesty have changed so much over time.
When I was in high school, for example, exposing a bra strap would
have been extremely embarrassing for a teen girl. Today it's
considered no big deal, and in fact many girls in elementary school
purposely wear designer straps as a fashion statement.
So how do we know what constitutes modest apparel and what doesn't?
Ultimately, it is up to you as parents to set the family standard.
Discuss it with your spouse and come up with some guidelines that you
can pass on to your daughters. Determine what you consider to be
acceptable clothing choices. Talk about a specific age when it comes
to wearing make-up, heels, etc. and be prepared to explain your
decision-making process. I'd encourage you to give this some serious
thought and refrain from changing the standard if you have more than
one daughter. With three daughters and eleven years between the eldest
and youngest, this has been a test of our memories!
For our family, necklines are close to the collarbone and hem lengths
are to the knee or longer. Makeup is worn to enhance, rather than to
attract attention, and the first makeup to be used is a little mascara
and lipgloss around age thirteen. Clothing is clean and well kept.
In developing your standards, you may also need to educate yourself on
current fads and slang. Some clothing and accessories may look
innocent, while actually conveying a much different message. For
example, a lot of kids today are wearing t-shirts carrying slogans of
a sexual nature. Because the terms are different from what their
Mother grew up with, this often flies under the radar of parents – but
rest assured, the kids all know what they mean! Or consider jelly
bracelets. These thin, multi-coloured rubber bracelets were innocently
traded and collected by children in the 1980's. They're now back in
vogue among teens and pre-teens, with one important difference: they
are now used as sex bracelets, where giving a person a bracelet of a
particular colour carries with it an implied offer to perform a
corresponding sexual act. If your child wants to wear something and
you suspect it may convey a hidden message, ask them about it.
Be assured, modest clothing can still be stylish and attractive. Be
prepared to spend some extra time searching out suitable fashions for
your daughters. They are out there, but you'll have to be willing to
cheerfully make the effort and, in some cases, spend a little extra.
3. Get the kids onside
Once you've set your standards, the next key is to get your kids to
buy in without a full-scale revolt! It's easy to say, "I'm the parent
and you will do what I tell you," but while that approach may bring
about outward conformity to the standard, it will not help your
daughters to begin to value modesty in their own hearts. Instead, you
want to help them to understand why modesty is such an important
character issue and teach them to make good decisions on their own.
We've found it very helpful to be able to give our daughters reasons
as to the suitability or unsuitability of a piece of apparel. It's
good to be able to explain to them how a young man regards some of
their fashion choices. This explanation, of course, must be purposeful
and age appropriate. Your daughter may honestly not realize that the
item she'd love to wear causes guys to look at her in a way she was
not anticipating. She may respond by saying that this is the guy's
problem; that he should have more self-control. And, again, young men
should demonstrate self-control, but God has designed males to be
visually attracted to females. Your daughter needs to understand that
this is very powerful, and she does not need to contribute to the
problem.
The teaching of modesty should begin as early as possible. Model a
modest form of dress. Provide bathrobes for family members and be
aware of the way you dress both within and outside your home. Minimize
the impact of the brand name mentality by beginning early in their
lives to teach them the value of money, and that a brand name item is
not necessarily a better item. Often we get our kids hooked on brand
names by dressing our young children in these clothes, and it becomes
hard to backtrack when the price tag inflates or the styles become
racier.
Be on the lookout for good role models that are older than your own
daughter and allow these friends to influence them; they can be a
tremendous help to you. Also, watch for positive examples in the world
of entertainment and introduce your kids to them.
4. Counter the media onslaught
Realize that fashion is big business. Kids' and teen clothing
represents a multi-billion dollar industry, and the advertisers know
exactly how to entice our children. Your daughters are bombarded from
an increasingly early age through the media – music, videos, TV and
technology. In fact, marketing that used to be aimed at teens has now
shifted to the tween group (ages 8-13).
This shift is having a noticeable impact on girls in this age
category. Adult clothing styles are being mini-sized to fit young
girls. As Betsy Hart pointed out, this has led to the sexualization of
pre-teen girls seeking to emulate their media heroes. And it's not
just the clothes that are being adopted, but also the attitudes toward
life in general and sexuality in particular. Kids are being made to
grow up faster than ever before.
We can diminish the influence of media by helping our daughters make
wise choices concerning TV programs, videos, movies, music and reading
material. It's important to begin at an early age to instill values
and guidelines for making discerning choices. Talk about these choices
in entertainment and fashion selection with your tweens and teens
before they ever become issues.
5. Value character over appearance
It is important to tell your daughter how beautiful she is, so that
she doesn't have to go outside the family to hear this message. Even
more vital than praising her appearance, though, is affirming her
character. We need to counteract our culture's influence by placing
value on what God values – the inner heart and character of an
individual. The Bible says, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is
fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" (Proverbs
31:30). Compliment your daughter on her inner character frequently.
Encourage her to cultivate a vibrant walk with Jesus Christ by being a
character model before her and taking a genuine interest in her
spiritual life.
Most importantly, pray for your daughter daily. It's a very different
world than the one that we grew up in and the temptations are more
overt and bold. Pray fervently that she will have a heart that seeks
to know God.
6. Recognize dad's critical role
Never underestimate the influence of a Dad. As a Father I went on many
shopping trips, even though this is not my favourite activity, in
order to show my interest and have some input into the selection
process. Dad's approval is extremely significant in a daughter's life,
so fathers need to be careful in how they relate to them. Both words
and tone matter greatly. Even though she may act like she resents your
intrusion in her life at times, your daughter really does care about
what you think of her. Dads, let your daughter know that you think she
is beautiful – that she is unique in your eyes and God's. Your girls
carefully watch your reaction – your opinion counts!
Preparing your daughter to follow God's standards in this area of
modesty is a gift that will last a lifetime. I like to think of
modesty as a pattern that I am helping my daughters weave into their
lives; a pattern that will become so much a part of their moral fibre
that it will enable them to freely and fully enjoy being the women God
has designed them to be.
"For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to
your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard
you." ~ Proverbs 2:10-11
No comments:
Post a Comment